Tuesday, February 8, 2011

This too shall pass.

Every morning I get myself ready and leave my daughter to go to work. Sometimes she is awake, sometimes she isn't. It's the hardest part of my day.

I've been unavailable the last 2 weeks. I apologize for that. It's been a rough couple of weeks for sure. Evelyn has swayed in and out of runny noses, high fevers, rashes, persistent coughs, and irritability.

I have been suffering from what we can only figure out to be sciatica, which if you've never felt, is a chronic pain shooting from your back down your leg when doing almost anything except laying down. And even then sometimes it hurts. I've been stressed. I've been depressed. I've been irritated. I've done very little but snuggle up to my child and wish I didn't have to say goodbye to her every morning and wishing I had more time to get the things done that are way overdue.

If you are a working mom I'm sure you know what I'm going through. I thought the worst part of returning to work after a baby was the first week back.  That is what I was told at least. That week was a breeze. I cried the first day, but I was okay after that. Now, almost four months later, I stand over top of her while she sleeps or walk out of the house while she smiles at me, and I feel bad. Guilty.

She says "bye bye" now, but she doesn't understand what it means. To her it's just a noise she makes which sends her daddy and I into wild excitement, clapping and in shrill voices saying that she did a 'good job!' She doesn't understand that when I say 'bye bye' to her it hurts me.  That I'm leaving her for a desk and a computer and a pile of work that I'm sure would tower over me 4 times or more and grows everyday. She doesn't understand that when I'm away from her I think about her constantly, wondering what she is doing, if she is smiling, if anyone is playing with her, if anyone is singing her silly songs which she finds worthy of dancing (bobbing up and down while sitting) to, if anyone holds her close and dances with her when she cries. She has a great babysitter. But I still worry and wonder.

To her, I walk out of the room and just as quickly walk back in. Oh to be a child. She has no concept of time. But I do. I realize that she learns new things everyday and every week she looks just a little bit different. I miss a lot of it in those 10 hours away from her.

It's much harder now than it was four months ago.

I'm tired of the working mom routine. It's made me bitter. After a day of work, I pick her up, make dinner, prepare for the next day, feed her, diaper her, bathe her, and put her to bed. There is very little time. I hate it. I'm so tired by the time I get home I'm begging for her to take a nap so that I can do nothing, if only for a half hour. That makes me feel even guiltier.

I want so badly to wake up every morning as the sun rises rather than before. I want to make both of us breakfast and watch cartoons in my robe with a cup of coffee while she plays in her oatmeal crusted jammies in the middle of the living room. I want mid-morning strolls and lunch time picnics at the park with swingsets, sliding boards,  and naps in the shade. I want to start making dinner as I clean up lunch and make crafty projects with footprints that we string up throughout the house as our own little art gallery. I want to feel good about tucking her into bed, rather than anxious about the day I have ahead.

I hate "bringing work home with me." I'm lucky I don't actually have to do my work at home after hours, but the thought of how much has to get done the next day lingers throughout my evenings and weekends. I know I should be grateful that I have a job. And I am. There are so many out there struggling to find work. My husband was one of them at one time. I know how it is.  I'm just disappointed that my dream of being a stay at home mom is not a dream that we can afford or that makes sense at this time. We have bills to pay. I have a child's future to ensure. That's the most important thing.

But I want to be less tired and more refreshed and happier with my time. I don't want to wish the week away to bring the weekend faster only to dread Sunday evenings.

As weekends are concerned, we've been packing them full. Visiting friends we haven't seen in ages, projects around the home, and trying to spend as much quality time as we can together.

Our friends Tim and Edith.

Edith's yummy champagne concoction.

The weather has been unseasonably warm. That snow we were supposed to get, didn't happen. Instead we've been enjoying weather in the 50's and 60's with plenty of endorphin releasing sunshine. It's light jacket and knit hat weather. It's causing me to pine for spring time even more.

I'd like to take time now to introduce our new sponsor Elizabeth Alan at The Lovely Crow for Evelyn's new hat and booties.

Right now she is offering 10% of your entire order if you use the coupon code "blogkelly" at checkout!  Please visit her Etsy shop and check out her beautiful hats and booties!

Click HERE to visit her shop!

So while I've been absentee from blogging for a short while, I've still been working on some projects including some future giveaways.  It's been a hard few weeks but with Spring time just around the corner, there is hope. The days are getting longer, the weather is looking more promising. We even have a mini-trip coming up to visit a friend which we couldn't be more excited about. When we have time and extra money we go to the pool. We're making it.

So while I can want all I want, I'm stuck. I'm stuck learning how to be a working mom and all the emotions and uncontrollable guilt that comes along with it.

I hate that feeling.

It's okay though. With a little time this too shall pass.


Bonnie said...

I think you pretty much share my sentiments. Being a working mommy sucks so bad. I'm gone from the house 11-12 hours a day!! It makes for no fun time in the evenings. :(

Ashley said...

I also feel your pain on the working front! I drop the girls off at 6:30, my husband gets home with them around 5:30/6:00, cook, eat, clean up, get ready for the next day, bath/bed routine. It's sad :(!

Amber said...

you took the words right out of my mouth. Being a working mommy is not easy at all! Its stressful and entirely too hard to find balance!

ashleylu said...

This too DOES pass! Stay strong. I stayed home with Jameson for the first 9 months, then leaving him with others broke me in pieces. Now he is 3.5 and I'm a single mom. He only has me, and I'm gone 40 hours a week working while he goes to school. We come home, eat dinner, do laundry, clean, whatever. Then I spend most of every weekend with him, but I'm forced to juggle my attention between my boyfriend and Jameson. Thankfully, my bf and son are good friends =) so we do a lot together. Just think, it could be worse. Things will get better.

Tammy said...

Oh Kelly. I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. I had to work when I had my son. It is so hard. I wish I could make it better for you. One of these days, you will be able to be home with her and it will be great. You are right, this too shall pass. I hope it gets easier for you. =(

ebethalan said...

Evie is so blessed to have such a great mommie.
I'm sorry to hear that you've been down lately.
The pictures of Evie are gorgeous. You are so talented. :) Thank you for taking them and posting them.

T B said...

It's sad that just reading your post made me tear up. I haven't even found a new job yet since we moved but the thought of finding one and having to leave my baby girl with someone else all day makes me so sad =(

Shan said...

So funny, but I thought I would feel like you do after our first daughter (my second child) was born. I was surprised that I was happy to be at work, that it did refresh me. But now, after Fynn, I am back to feeling the same way. You know it's bad when you're grateful that you've just had a week at home with your girls, even if it is because they (and you) were horribly sick.

As for the sciatica, have you considered chiropractic care? That can help immensely!

SAHSHA said...

You’re doing the best you can. As a working mom myself, I’ve realized that my little boy is so much happier at his daycare. He learns so much by socializing: sharing, communication, and can see what the older kids are doing and develop that much faster. He was walking at 9.5 months! Also, the daycare has a nice curriculum and can teach him things I wouldn’t know or think of. I know it sucks to just have a couple hours each night with Evie. Try this:
On Sundays, do some marathon cooking and freeze a couple dinners.. that way all you have to do is heat up the meal. Create an evening routine. Monday nights, clean up the bathrooms, Tuesday nights after Evie goes to sleep, declutter, Wednesday nights, wash the sheets, iron. You get the picture. It will free up your weekend and let you focus on family more..

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